Learning to Survive
by Leasel P
Summary: Collection of stories revolving around outlaw queen in the missing year. My take at how their relationship may have progressed and ultimately ended up 'rocky'. Outlawqueen pairing of course!
1. Chapter 1

**I will Survive**

This is going to be a collection of little stories surrounding outlawqueen during the missing year. Because I'm going to be writing them as they come to me, time wise they will be jumping back and forth around the missing year. This chapter is set around month 3.

Enjoy!

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The queen sighed as she ran her fingers along the stone-wall, the cold making her fingertips slightly numb. A small smile graced her face as she let her fingers wander below the edge of one particular stone, feeling the engraving still there after all these years.

"Such a beautiful evening Milady." As soon as the accented voice hit her ears Regina inwardly groaned. She really had hoped to be left alone for just one evening.

"What are you doing here _thief?_" Regina almost spat, before adding "And it's your Majesty, once again it seems I must remind you who I am." The chuckle that escaped Robins throat did nothing to calm her.

"I didn't realize anyone else knew of this balcony, it's not easy to get to _your majesty._" Robin gave her a small bow as he said it, a charming smile being thrown her way.

"Yes well it is my castle after all."

"From my experience, most royalty barely know their own castle, just the areas that are of use to them."

"Most prisoners learn their prison though." Regina snapped. She didn't know what had possessed her to let those words leave her mouth but she regretted it as soon as they did. What was she thinking confessing something like that to the thief? Glancing over at him she saw he was staring intently at her. Feeling he was about to say something she rolled her eyes and made to leave.

"You don't have to go your majesty, I won't mentioned it I promise."

Whether it was the sincerity in his voice mixed with a hint of something else, or the feeling of complete loneliness she had been feeling lately, Regina wasn't sure what had made her stop. Sighing and knowing this was something she would regret tomorrow she moved to stand beside him with a small shrug of her shoulders.

"What are you doing roaming the castle so late anyways thief?"

"I've lived in the woods for so long; these walls make me uneasy, I find it difficult to sleep. I suppose I thought familiarizing myself with the castle might help."

Regina nods, staring out over the kingdom, her hand absently running under the stone once more. Robin watches her for a while before finding the courage to speak.

"What's under there?" He motioned with his head to where Regina hand was. She yanked it away so fast he could have sworn she had been bitten.

"I thought you weren't going to talk!" She snapped at him, sending him one of her infamous glares. Shaking his head sadly, Robin looked out over the kingdom. Regina couldn't help the pang of guilt she felt. He was the only one that consistently treated her like more than the evil queen. The only one other than the charmings that seemed like he genuinely wanted to spend time with her, and all she ever did was bite.

Sighing heavily, Regina reached for his hand, silently thankful he didn't pull it away from her. She guided it under the stone to where he would be able to feel the engraving.

"I put it there a long time ago during my first year of marriage. I'd often come here when I needed hope. After the king died and after I became…" Regina faltered momentarily before regaining her composure. "I didn't come here then, because I thought I needed to be the evil queen and I didn't want to remember who I used to be. I didn't want to remember the hope I used to hold." Robin barely caught the last sentence, Regina whispering it so quietly as if scared of who might hear it. Robin allowed his fingers to gently trace the marking, his hand never letting go of Regina's.

"What does it say?" He questioned, receiving a sad smile in response.

"It says I will survive." And with that Regina untangled her hand from Robins and left the tiny balcony before he could respond.


	2. Chapter 2

Learning to Survive  
Chapter two.

This chapter is set during month 7 of the missing year.

Enjoy :)

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Regina roughly wiped away the tears that had began to flow down her cheeks. All day she had tried so hard to keep her emotions from overcoming her and now it was as if the floodgates had opened. She openly and freely cried for the first time in months.

She had fled the castle, moving as fast as she could away from prying eyes down to the waterfront where she was currently sitting on an old log. She had long since kicked off her shoes and was letting the cold water wash over her feet, feeling the damp creeping up her dress.

She missed Henry. Every day it felt like a constant battle between her heart and her mind. She just wanted to rip her heart once more, to numb the pain that was threatening to consume her and every time she went to there was a tiny voice of reason telling her not to, telling her the pain would help her find a way back to Henry.

But tonight that voice was gone. She had left it in the castle when she heard David gushing over everything they would teach their new prince when he arrived. She didn't stick around to hear snow asking what if it was a little princess, she turned and fled, thoughts of a life she would never get to spend with Henry flooding over her.

Regina could feel her heart beating faster as she closed her eyes and raised her hand to her chest, taking in a deep breath as she prepared for the pain to come.

"Does it not hurt, removing your own heart mildly?"

Regina's eyes snapped open, her hand quickly falling from her chest.

"Leave me alone." Regina whisper, much to her dismay when she heard her voice crack. She knew he had heard it too. She hated that this man seemed to catch her during her weakest moments.

Taking a seat beside her, Robin stayed quiet, just looking out over the water, a peace settling between them. They stayed like that for a while, neither one of them moving or making an attempt to talk. Regina was silently thankful, and as her heart began to beat normally she wiped away the last of her tears.

"Are you not sick of following me thief?" Her words lacked their usual bite and Robin new she was just trying to regain some control over the situation. Ensuring that wasn't going to happen, Robin confidently took Regina's hand in his, entwining their fingers and holding tight when he felt her try to pull away. He brought her hand to his lips and gave it a light kiss, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Leave your heart where it belongs Regina, you may just need it someday."


	3. Chapter 3

Learning to Survive  
Chapter three.

This chapter is set during month 5 of the missing year. I'm really sorry that these chapters are so small! I was originally doing it because I'm also posting the story on instagram but there are some longer chapters coming up so I'm going to try and keep that length, i promise! I always hate reading the 500 word chapter updates and here I am doing it, oh dearie me haha.

Enjoy :)

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As soon as Robin opened his door she could see that she had awoken him, his face heavy with sleep, the only light coming from the full moon outside, however Regina wasted no time.

"Your son, is he asleep?"

"Yes wh-" before he could continue Regina quickly and forcefully closed the gap between them, crashing her lips upon his in a desperate kiss. She felt his shock before his hands moved to her hips and he pulled her closer to him, returning the kiss with equal passion. His lips were soft against her own, his stubble leaving a burn path as he trailed kisses along her jaw line. She felt his calloused hand slide up her arm before cupping her cheek, his lips once again finding her own. When he finally pulled away, his eyes were wild with lust and confusion.

"Your majesty" he started but faltered. What does a thief say to his queen when she pays him a late night visit in his chambers with only one thing clearly on her mind. Regina laughed a deep, sultry laugh.

"What? No mildly?" Raising her eyebrow and cocking her head, Regina ran her hands down his chest, hovering over his belt. Moving closer to him once more she could feel the effect she was having on him. Without another word Robin pushed her against the door, ensuring envy inch of his body was hard against her own, earning him a deep moan as she pushed his jackets roughly off his shoulders, their lips meeting once more as months of frustration were let out.

Regina woke hours later, a heavy arm around her naked waist, holding her in place. A feeling of panic set in when she realized she had fallen asleep in the outlaw's arms.

Quietly untangling herself, Regina slipped out of bed and began quickly dressing herself. Turning to leave, she noticed Robin propped up on his elbow, silently studying her.

"Sneaking out in the middle of the night your majesty."

Giving him a cheeky smile, she made her way over to the edge of the bed.

"That's very formal thief, considering where your mouth has been over the past few hours." She teased, lowering herself onto the bed. Even in the darkness she could see the smile on Robins face.

"Regina" he said, still not sure she wouldn't turn on him, the openness she was exhibiting a distinct difference to the usual hostility between them. She lowered her face to his, hovering just slightly above him. He could feel her hot breath caressing his face as she remained still, looking into his eyes with a slight frown. All to fast Regina eliminated the space between them, placing a chaste kiss on Robin's lips before standing and making her way towards the door. Pausing, Regina looked back towards the bed.

"One word of this to anyone thief, and you will regret it." And with that cold statement Regina made her exit. The queen was back and Robin knew one thing, if thing was to ever happen again, and he sure hoped it would, there would be some rules, the queen would ensure it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Learning to Survive**

**Chapter 4**

This chapter is set towards the end of month 8 of the missing year.

Enjoy :)

* * *

Regina ran her hand down Robins chest, letting it come to rest on his lower stomach, earning a deep moan from his lips. She smiled into his chest, letting her hands once more explore the body beneath her.

"Who knew the Queen was such a tease." Robin said, leaning down to capture her lips in a long, slow kiss. The passion left after a while, Regina returning her head to his chest, feeling his arms slip around her naked waist and pull her closer to him. She stayed like that until she felt Robins breathing even out, his hold on her remaining tight. Once she knew he was asleep she finally relaxed against him, secretly enjoying the feeling of being held by someone. She knew she was kidding herself on nights like these, where she would close her eyes and pretend she was someone else. She would pretend she was a nobody falling asleep in the arms of the one who loved her, the one who shared his life with her. It was a dream she often had when she was married, one that had been going on for so long she would sometimes almost believe it. But deep down she knew it wasn't real, so when she was inevitably dragged out of her fantasy she would throw her walls up once more, something she had become quite good at recently. She would ignore Robin's poor attempt at hiding his disappointed whenever she kicked him out of her bed, long before the sun had risen. She couldn't bare to wake in his arms, it was too close to the life she so desperately wanted.

"What are you thinking about?" Robin's voice caused her to jump. She had been so caught up in her thoughts she had neglected to realize he had awoken. Regina shook her head into his chest, resisting the urge to speak what was on her mind. Robin however had other ideas. Catching his fingers beneath her chin, he tilted her head up towards him; placing light kisses across her forehead, down her nose, along her cheek before finally placing a chaste kiss upon her lips.

"What are you doing?" she asked taken back.

"Kissing you." He whispered as he trailed kisses up her jaw.

"Don't."

"Adoring you."

"Robin." She whispered. Pulling back he hovered above her, resting his forehead against hers, placing a kiss on each corner of her mouth.

"Loving you." He said with conviction.

"Please don't." She almost begged.

"Don't love you?"

"Yes."

"But I do."

"Don't say that."

"Why?"

Regina shook her head and looked away as Robin rolled onto his side, pulling her closer to him.

"Regina look at me." When she ignored him he allowed his hand to grab her hip and pull her towards him, turning her in the process. "Look at me." He said with more force than he intended.

"What do you want me to say!" Regina still failed to look at him as the words slipped out of her mouth with no attempt to hide her frustration.

"Nothing. I don't want you to say a thing. I just want you to listen." He silenced her come back with a swift kiss, his hand cupping her face as he deepened the kiss, a strong feeling of happiness overcoming him when she kissed him back, hesitant but with equal passion. Pulling back, Robin smiled down at Regina.

"I know you don't feel like you deserve love and I know you don't want it at the moment Regina, for reasons more complicated than I care to go into-"

"You are just a common thief, what would you know of my life."

"I know more of you my queen than you care to admit. I know what makes you smile, what makes you cry, what makes you scream." Robin rasped out, running his hand down her body, surprised she had kept quiet this long. "I know you are haunted everyday by your demons, that some days are harder than others yet you fight so hard to be good, to not use magic for your son, a child you may never see again." Robin wiped the tears off her cheeks. "And I know, that despite all your stubbornness, you are the strongest woman I have ever met.

"You speak nothing of my beauty." Regina half-joked as a self defense mechanism, because after all that is what everyone saw first.

"No, because although you are by far the most stunning woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, that is not why I love you." At this Regina finally turned her face towards him. Running her fingertips down his cheek, her thumb resting on his lips receiving a light kiss from him.

"I can't love you back." She whispered, her eyes looking deep into his.

"You are all I need." Robin whispered back, smiling into the kiss she was all too willing to give him. Because even if she wasn't willing to admit it, he knew that her feelings for him were fast becoming love, and he would wait as long as needed for her to realize that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Learning to Survive**

**Chapter 5**

This chapter is set towards the end of month 11.

Enjoy! :)

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Robin entered the courtyard and rounded the apple tree in a few short strides.

"You're avoiding me." He said, stopping just short of Regina, the anger in his voice barely concealed.

"I've been quite busy."

"You're lying."

"Excuse me?" Regina turned to face him, her expression wild at the accusation.

"We both know what this is about so at least have the decency to admit."

Regina invaded his space with daggers in her eyes. "What we have, this little arrangement, it's done!"

"Just like that?"

"Just like that." Her tone cut through him, it was the same one she would use on him during those first few months after they'd met. It was one of indifference.

"You make it sounds so easy."

"Is it not?"

"Certainly not for me, and I know this can't be that simple for you."

Regina said nothing, instead turning her back on him and making her way across the courtyard to the balcony.

"You don't have to do this you know." Robin said as he cautiously followed her, his tone softening.

"And what would you have me do?" She questioned, the decades of pain clear in her voice.

"You need to let go of whatever is anchoring you to the past Regina, so you can find happiness in your future."

"My _son_ is my past and he will _never_ be my future! And I will never forget him."

"You don't have to forget him Regina, but you are sacrificing your own happiness in an attempt to hang on to that pain. Don't you think he would want you to find happiness?"

"Don't you dare presume to know what my son would want." Regina spat at him, her eyes wide and heart racing. In that moment it was like realization dawned on Robin.

"You won't allow yourself to be happy, to move forward, because in your own screwed up way you think that it will mean you don't love Henry. But that's not true Regina, why can't you see that." He was almost begging, he couldn't bear to see her like this.

"You think you know so much about me thief, you know nothing."

"You're pushing me out because you are scared, because you think you can't get hurt if you are alone right? Well I'm hurting too Regina but that's not going to change what happened and I won't let you push me away so easily. I know you and I've accepted the good and bad in you Regina and I fell in love with you for it, not in spite of it."

"You fell in love with who you wanted me to be but I am _not_ that person." Regina almost snarled the last part out.

"You truly believe that don't you?" Regina watched Robins face fall, his unspoken defeat hanging heavy between them.

"What I _truly_ believe is that you are nothing more than a common thief and I am done with you." Regina turned her back on him once more. She could feel his presence hovering behind her before he let out a heavy sigh.

"Say it." Regina felt all the air leave her lungs at his words. "Say it and I shall leave you be your Majesty." Her heart felt like it was going to break. She had two options, say the words he was all but daring her to say or say the words he actually wanted to hear, the words she wished with all her heart she could tell him. But he was right when he said she wouldn't allow herself to be happy, because sadness is the only constant in her life and without it she would be lost.

"I never loved you." Her face was blank, void of all emotion. "I barely even cared for you." She said, ensuring that the bond they had carefully build was completely shattered, along with her heart.

"I guess you're right then, I'm a fool for loving you and an idiot for ever believing you could love me back." Even as he said the words he knew they weren't true, but if this was to be the way she wanted to have things then he wasn't going to fight her over it.

Regina barely heard his words as she grasp the railing, her head spinning as she felt her heart break. Not for the first time in her life she felt empty, the only difference being that this time she knew she didn't have to be, she'd chosen to be.


	6. Chapter 6

**Learning to Survive**

**Chapter 6**

This chapter is set at the beginning of month 8.

So after the last few chapters I thought it might be nice to have a happy, lighthearted break. I can totally imagine Regina doing this with Roland when she thought no one was watching! Don't get used to the happy chapters though, the next three are back to depressing :( but then I have a funny one for you all!

Any spelling mistakes in this chapter when Roland is talking is deliberate, he's so cute and I like to pretend he tries (but fails) to use big words haha

Enjoy! :)

* * *

Regina laughed as she gracefully tumbled to the ground, laying there on her back pretending to be in pain.

"Oh I've been hit Sir Roland! Go on, you must save yourself!"

"Never!" The young boy screamed, jumping to her side to assist her. "I'll save you my queen!" He waved his sword around at the imaginary foe. "Take that and that you ugly beast! You are no match for SIR ROLAND'S legadary sword fighting!" Roland continued to jump around, waving his sword and crying out words of defeat to his 'ugly beast'. When it seemed like he had finally defeated his opponent he came running back to Regina's side.

"Where are you hurt my queen?" He said all to seriously.

"My stomach, he got me in the stomach my brave knight." Regina exclaimed dramatically, clutching the non-existent wound.

Roland frowned "I have nothing to make it better." He said sadly.

"Why you have your kisses Sir Roland." Regina whispered, pretending to struggle as she leaned into him. "The kisses of the bravest knight in all the land are magical, they can heal those they kiss." Roland's eyes shone with excitement and joy.

"Am I the most bravest knight?" He asked eagerly

"I don't know my dear, perhaps try healing me." Roland gave her a big nod before leaning forward and placing a light kiss on her cheek.

"Better?"

Regina paused and closed her eyes before shaking her head.

"I'm afraid not, perhaps try kissing both cheeks Sir Roland, I am gravely injured."

With a huge smile on his face Roland dramatically kissed one cheek quickly followed by the other.

"Now are you healed your majesty?" He asked excited.

"I do believe I am!" Regina exclaimed, grabbing her stomach and pretending to look for her wound. "Oh Sir Roland you are my hero and the bravest knight in all this land!" Regina gave Roland a small kiss on his forehead.

Robin walked into the garden just in time to see the queen lying on the ground, no regard for how dirty her elegant dress must be getting. He heard his son ask if she was healed and watched with a small smile on his face as she grabbed her stomach before declaring his son the bravest knight in the land. Walking further into the garden he made his presence known to the two.

"What's going on here?" He asked with fake concern.

"Papa!" The young boy ran towards him and threw himself into his father's arms. "I saved the Queen from the ugly beast! And then I healed her with my magical kisses and that means that I'm the bravestest knight in all the land." Roland said throwing his arms up and open. "AND I'm the queens hero." He said proudly, puffing his chest out. Regina laughed behind them and Robin looked over to where she was now standing, attempting to brush the dirty from her dress.

"The Queen's hero, why that is a great honor my boy." Robin said in awe, holding onto his son tight as bowed low, taking Roland with him.

"Oh the honor is mine, a queen is very lucky if she is to have just one knight as brave as you." Regina ran her hand through his hair, a big smile on her face. Neither of them expected it when Roland pushed himself out of his father's arms and straight into Regina's, almost taking them both down.

"Will you come play with me again Regina?"

"Of course my dear, I would love to."

"Good! Because Papa says there is evil ogres lurging around!"

"Lurking my boy." Robin corrected with a chuckle.

"Lurking! But I'll protect you from them! I will always protect you Regina."

Regina smiled a sad smile at him.

"Why thank you my sweet boy, that makes me feel very safe." Giving her a quick kiss, Roland wiggled out of her arms and began running up the stairs towards the castle.

"I'll tell everyone I'm the bravestests ever!" Robin laughed as he watched his son go, turning to Regina with a genuine smile on his face.

"He is very fond of you, I have never seen him take to someone like he has taken to you." Robin said, his voice filled with pride and joy. All Regina offered in return was a small smile.

"He is a very sweet boy." Robin heard the mixture of love and pain in her voice and couldn't help the feeling he got from it. Before he could say anything though, Regina had turned and made her exit.


	7. Chapter 7

**Learning to Survive**

**Chapter 7**

This chapter is set in month 6 of the missing year.

* * *

Regina looked out over the great lake, so lost in thought she didn't hear the footsteps coming up behind her. Her eyes followed the flickering of the moonlight on the waves and she smiled as she recalled memories she had long buried.

"Your majesty." Robin said quietly, not wanting to surprise her. She didn't flinch, nor did she acknowledge his presence. He came to stand beside her at the railing, looking down at the courtyard below then across the lake. He was careful not to touch her, still not sure what he was allowed to do. They stood there in silence for a while and it wasn't until Regina tried to muffle a sob that Robin realised she was crying.

Cautiously he moved closer to her and slipped his hand into hers, aware of the fact that the Queen did not like to be comforted. He was surprised when she moved closer to him.

"Your son?" Robin asked, because in the short time he had known her, every time she cried it was over her son, but she surprised him when she shook her head.

"Do you know when I was first married, I'd often come out here of an evening. It was peaceful and it's far enough away from the main area that I could be alone." Robin stayed quiet, this was the first time she had mentioned her marriage to him and he wasn't going to interrupt, fearful she would stop. There had been so many stories flying around when news spread that the king had a new bride, one young enough to be his daughter. He had often wondered how much say she had in that marriage. He watched her intently as she began talking again.

"I was _very_ unhappy in my marriage but those first few years were the worst. One evening I met a young girl. Her name was Liara, she was an orphan who worked as a kitchen hand. Each evening she would bring me tea, a different concoction every time and we would sit out here and drink it together; it was our little secret. She was sweet and around the same age as me and for the first time in my life I had a friend." Regina glanced over at him with a shy smile, she had no idea why she was telling him this but it felt good to talk about. She had kept Liara to herself for her entire life.

"What happened to her?" Robin prompted softly when Regina didn't resume talking, knowing this story would not have a happy ending.

"She died." It was first time Robin had seen her cry over someone other than her son and he wasn't entirely sure how to react.

"How?"

Regina shrugged, "He never really told me."

"Who never told you?" Robin said with a frown.

"Leopold." She removed her hand from within Robins and went to sit on the bench behind them, exhaustion from the day finally kicking in. Robin remained where he was but turned to face her.

"Why would the King personally tell you about a servant who had died?" He asked confused.

"Because I was a fool and I wrote of her in my diary, my secret friend who bought such happiness into my life. He had thought I was in love with her."

"He read your diary." Robin said with a sigh, receiving a sad smile off Regina.

"To this day I don't know if it was a tragic accident as he had said or a cleverly hidden murder ordered by the King. I believe it was the latter but I would never have been able to prove it, not that it would have mattered."

Robin shook his head, the story not matching with the kind and generous King he remembered in his earlier years; the king that once pulled over his carriage because he had wanted to see why a young boy was crying on such a beautiful day. As if reading his mind Regina sighed.

"The King was different behind closed doors, at least to me. He was a kind man and a good King but he was neither as a husband. Perhaps he was in his first marriage but not in his marriage to me, I was never quite able to fill his wife's shoes." Regina let out a frustrated groan as the tears began to fall again. "After Liara died I quickly learnt to be more careful in what I did, it was like every move I made in my marriage was strategic, it had to be in order to survive. It was a living nightmare." Regina paused, and Robin waited for her to go on, sensing that she needed to get everything off her chest. He came and sat down beside her, making sure not to touch her. "It's no secret I killed my husband, I planned it so perfectly it would have made me sick to the stomach if I'd still had a conscious back then. I used his own control against him, I wrote of a new love in my diary knowing full well he still checked it." Regina stopped trying to hold back her tears, now letting them freely fall down her cheeks.

"After he died I burnt the book. It was kind of symbolic; the tiny object that had control my life for so long, caused me so much pain and lose, was also the object that had set me free. I burnt it for Liara, for myself and for every lie I had ever written to ensure my safety." Regina went quiet, her shoulders slumped and offering no resistance when Robin put his arm around her and pulled her close. She turned her head into his neck and kissed him.

"I felt nothing." She said, her arm slipping around his stomach as she turned into him more.

"Almost four decades on and I still feel nothing, they are all still dead and I am still fighting to survive." She found her way beneath his shirt, her fingers running across his bare skin. She trailed kisses down his neck, resting her head against his shoulder as she whispered darkly "I just want to feel alive." Robin took this as all the invitation he needed, turning his head and capturing her lips with his in a rough kiss. Pulling her into his lap, his hands gripped her hips so tightly he was scared he would hurt her.

"Trust me your majesty, you are very much alive." He said as he pulled on the pins holding her hair together, watching it tumble down her shoulders as he bucked up and into her, causing a deep moan to escape her lips. He couldn't understand half of what this amazing woman had to go through in her life, but he was going to make her forget it with every opportunity she gave him. "And I very much intend to prove it to you."


End file.
